she looked thinner than I remembered
though it had been a while
much to my shame but I have
always been totally useless
when it comes to family
I don't feel those blood ties
tugging as they do at my kin
must have read too much
french philosophy and cast off
such sentimentality as bourgeois
we are born we live we die
we do not get to choose
unlike my brother who drove us
whose sense of duty I thought
somewhat overdeveloped
but maybe that's what comes
from having brought life into the world
we navigated lifts and sterile halls
counting numbers like reading charts
and there my grandmother was
a proud outspoken woman
brought down by a simple fall
her knee fractured and bound
gently sipping a cup of tea
carefully eating a micro-muffin
introducing us to her room mate
elsie whose grandkids were visiting
so it made it hard for hard-of-hearing
nan to hear what we were saying
never mind she prattled on about
cousin this and auntie that
and her brother who had died
just closed down in a cottage in yorkshire
not even bothering to get out of bed
preferring to fade away like a memory
rather than rage against
the dying of the light
so I asked why - why did he give up?
well he never married and he was
always the favourite uncle - uncle tim!
the kids used to scream - drive faster!
he had some friends who he used to
go away with on weekends but they died
suddenly and that was when
i think he began to feel really lonely
and he just closed himself off
didn't ask for help just gave up
my father was the same
wouldn't talk or ask for help...
a nurse interrupted
to ask if anything was needed
clear this up? asked nan
pointing to empty tea cup and
folded micro-muffin wrapper
not my job said the nurse and walked away
you boys should go said nan
you have more interesting places to be
is there anything we can do we asked
get you something anything?
no no I'm fine
shifting her damaged leg on its cushion
and plucking at her hospital gown
as if modesty were possible in this place
they're moving me to rehab tomorrow
so at least there I'll be able to have
a stiff gin and tonic when I'm settled in
so we left feeling useless and bereft
like we had missed something
some deep life lesson meant to be imparted
by those wiser and more well lived
maybe it was that we all end up in hospitals
staffed by nurses immersed in demarcation disputes
next to people called elsie whose noisy kids
steal our oxygen and ear time
clinging to our self-respect and independence
so that when our grandchildren come to visit
we don't infect them with our fear
the fear that death creeps through our bones
we can hear it coming closer in the sleepless night
and no matter how proud and brave we are
death will always win this fight.
© shaun patrick green 2011
